just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize