i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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