I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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