It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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