my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
