She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't deserve a penis
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
