no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
