Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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