Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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