The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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