woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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