It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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