New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
