the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize