ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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