There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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