I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
