Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
