Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
