One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize