Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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