I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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