he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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