Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
