a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
