Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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