I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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