I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize