I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
