There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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