Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
