i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
