So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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