My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize