My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
