I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
