Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
