Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
