Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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