Will you blow on my dice?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
