good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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