I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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