so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
