Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize