at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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