genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
