Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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