I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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