Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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