Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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