I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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