was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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