the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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