I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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