Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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