her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The adults are the big ones right?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
