If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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