Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Everclear isn't food dammit
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
