I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
