Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
