Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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